Welcome To The Bad Quarterback League

This afternoon my roommate and I stumbled upon an intriguing entry while perusing Grantland.

http://www.grantland.com/blog/the-triangle/post/_/id/3686/introducing-grantlands-bad-quarterback-league

As a longtime fan of fantasy football, I've spent years cheering for the Peyton Mannings and Aaron Rodgers of the world, but it's so true that I've never taken time to relish in the unsung narrative that is "The Bad Quarterback." As Grantland's David Jacoby points out, "when things go wrong for an NFL quarterback, they go spectacularly wrong." So true, Mr. Jacoby.

WARNING:

This is NOT for the faint of heart.

This is NOT for those who easily falter.

This is NOT for any who value strong arms, high accuracy, or a good reputation with the community.

THIS is for the bad quarterbacks.

Thankfully, Grantland lays out the algorithm for the bad quarterback league, including a few simple steps to get the ball rolling. So, of course, we rounded up a group of football enthusiasts to give her the old college try. With a full season of ill advised throws and postgame interviews gone array looming just on the horizon, I present to you the breakdown for our inaugural Bad Quarterback League.

I. The Players

Team 1 - Ben Carpenter

Team 2 - Jake Morgan

Team 3 - Nathan Stephens

Team 4 - Raleigh McCool

Team 5 - Austin Hall

Team 6 - Nathan Frisbee

Team 7 - Summer Cassilly & Rachel L. Pierce

Team 8 - Joey Lever

II. The Stakes

In honor of the league’s most miserable gunslingers, we agreed on a wager that not even Philip Rivers would argue with.

a. The Jersey -  The champion of the inaugural Bad Quarterback League will receive a replica jersey of their team’s highest scoring quarterback, purchased by a collection of the remaining league members. In the event that Team 7 - Cassilly & Pierce wins the championship, replica jerseys of their team’s two highest scoring quarterbacks will be purchased by the remaining league members.

b. The Portrait - A professional quality portrait will be taken of the champion wearing his or her rewarded replica jersey(s). This portrait will be delivered to all league members in .jpg format.

c. The Print -  Each losing league member will be required to download the .jpg file, have the portrait printed in 8x10 dimensions, and placed into a frame.

d. The Best Part - Aside from the champion, each member must clearly display the framed photograph in the most frequently trafficked room of their home, in plain sight, until the beginning of the following NFL season.

e. The Lockout Clause - In case of another NFL lockout, the framed photographs will remain on display until either the next NFL season begins or the lockout officially ceases, whichever happens last.

III. Scoring (As seen on Grantland)

POSITIVE POINTS:

• Benched during game (non-injury): 35 points
• Concussed: 10 points
• Interception for TD: 25 points
• Interception (non-TD): 5 points
• Fumbles lost: 5 points
• Fumbles kept: 2 points
• 3-turnover game: 12 points
• 4-turnover game: 16 points
• 5-turnover game: 24 points
• 6-turnover game: 50 points
• No passes of 25+ yards: 10 points
• No passing/rushing TDs (QBs only): 10 points
• Under 200 passing yards: 6 points
• Under 150 passing yards: 12 points
• Under 100 passing yards: 25 points
• Under 50 percent completion rate: 5 points
• Under 40 percent completion rate: 15 points
• Under 30 percent completion rate: 25 points
• Teammate/Coach/Fan argument on sidelines replayed replayed on SportsCenter: 15 points

24/7 POINTS:

• Arrested: 50 points
• Detained/questioned by police: 10 points
• Practice/locker room fight (physical): 20 points
• Apology press conference: 75 points
• Penis picture on blog: 150 points
• Official vote of confidence from coach: 10 points
• Bitching about his linemen: 10 points
• Suspended: 50 points per game

NEGATIVE POINTS:

• 300-349 yards passing: -6 points
• 350-399 yards passing: -9 points
• 400+ yards passing: -12 points
• 75+ yards rushing: -8 points
• 3 passing/rushing TDs: -5 points
• 4 passing/rushing TD’s: -10 points
• 5 passing/rushing TD’s: -20 points
• Game-winning drive (last two minutes): -12 points

IV. The Rosters

Summer Cassilly & Rachel Pierce

Draft picks:

1. Cincinnati Bengals
2. Cleveland Browns
3. Houston Texans
4. New England Patriots

“Bengals suck. I have nothing else to say.” - Rachel L. Pierce

Nathan Stephens

Draft picks:

1. Seattle Seahawks
2. Kansas City Chiefs
3. New York Giants
4. New Orleans Saints

“I’m fully confident that Tavaris Jackson will lead the league in shitty quarterbacking.” - Nathan Stephens

Jake Morgan (Sex on a Stick)

Draft picks:

1. New York Jets
2. Denver Broncos
3. Philadelphia Eagles
4. Green Bay Packers

“With the NYC media lurking, who better to give up a 150 point penis picture than ole Sex on a Stick? Jackpot." - Jake Morgan

Joey Lever

Draft picks:

1. Carolina Panthers
2. Tennessee Titans
3. Arizona Cardinals
4. Tampa Bay Bucs

“I’d text you one, but Cam Newton just stole my cell phone.” - Joey Lever *response via text* 

Raleigh McCool


Draft picks:

1. San Francisco 49er’s
2. Oakland Raiders
3. Baltimore Ravens
4. Atlanta Falcons


“The sweetest words I’ve ever heard from Jim Harbaugh’s lips: ‘Alex Smith will be our starting quarterback.’ That’ll be all. Thanks, Jim and Alex.” - Raleigh McCool

Nathan Frisbee

Draft picks:

1. Jacksonville Jaguars
2. Buffalo Bills
3. San Diego Chargers
4. St. Louis Rams

“With Garrard being gone, and McCown being downright awful (with a 1-7 record in the NFL), it’s just a matter of time until Blaine Gabbert starts. and my bold prediction is that Blaine hasn’t fully outgrown the glory days at Missouri. So, I’m pulling for a couple counts of public drunkeness, and some domestic abuse allegations... at least. Maybe I’ll get lucky wit ha few press conference tirades and sexual battery.” - Nathan Frisbee

Austin Hall

Draft picks:

1. Washington Redskins
2. Chicago Bears
3. Indianapolis Colts
4. Pittsburgh Steelers

“I drafted the Redskins because I remember 2008 when Rex Grossman had more turnovers than 6 NFL teams.” - Austin Hall

Ben Carpenter (Henne's of the Mouth)

Draft picks:

1. Miami Dolphins
2. Minnesota Vikings
3. Detroit Lions
4. Dallas Cowboys

"If I get points for a quarterback looking like Gumby, or dying of old age, my team is in good shape."- Ben Carpenter

V. Moving Forward

Now that all the pieces are in place, we will move forward with our head to head, round robin style, thirteen week season. In Week 14, we will see the top four teams ascend to a four week playoff bracket. Winner takes all.

I'll be posting weekly updates as the season progresses, so stay tuned for the latest stories from our inaugural Bad Quarterback League!

Week 1 Preview coming soon...

If this experiment goes well, then who knows what other doors could open up. The NBA? Hello Orlando Magic! (see Arenas, Gilbert)