It's probably me.
Anyway, while watching the 2011 MLB All Star Game with a few friends, Field of Dreams came up in conversation, which led to Angels in the Outfield, which led to Rookie of the Year, to the less popular Little Big League, which led us down a long road of applying modern day approaches to classic sport film stories of the past. This got me thinking. What if you applied the modern day concept to say, a basketball film? How about Space Jam?
In my childhood favorite, Space Jam, an evil group of aliens descended from their home on Moron Mountain to enslave The Looney Tunes for their newest amusement park exhibit. When faced with these new pint sized foes, Bugs & Co attempt to win their freedom by challenging the seemingly harmless aliens to a game of basketball. Much to the tunes' surprise, the aliens steal the talent of the NBA's greatest superstars and grow into the dream team of monsters we know by heart as The Monstars.
With the skyscraper height of Shawn Bradley, the unmatchable paint power of Patrick Ewing, the perimeter force of Larry Johnson, the unparalleled sportsmanship of Charles Barkley, and the ball handling magic of NBA great, Muggsy Bogues, at their disposal, the Monstars are a truly force to be reckoned with.
Long story short, the tunes recruit the help of Michael Jordan, who comes out of retirement to save our childhood favorites from a life of torment and slavery. The soundtrack was boss.
So, I've done some thinking. If the Monstars came back for a rematch today, whose talent would they pirate? What follows is how I envision a Space Jam Rematch of 2K11.
NBA Superstars
Dwight Howard - For our modern day Space Jam search, we must begin at the top, and no NBA superstar goes higher than Superman, Dwight Howard. Coming in at 6'11" and 265lbs, the starting center for the Orlando Magic may not have the height of 90's legend Shawn Bradley, but if the Monstars took a look at just one of Howard's posterizing swats, they wouldn't sweat the 7 inch height swing. With the shoulders of Atlas and wingspan to match, Howard is nothing short of terrifying in the paint. Plus, the guy has more than enough charisma to go around, making him ideal for the big screen. And this, is exactly why he's the perfect cornerstone for the evil dream team.
Blake Griffin - Say hello to the human highlight real, Blake Griffin, power forward of the Los Angeles Clippers. Weighing in at over 250lbs and standing at an impressive 6'10", Griffin is without a doubt the most talented young flier in the galaxy. He may not have the lockdown defense of a Patrick Ewing or true grit of a Larry Johnson, but his oop ability alone makes him a prime candidate for the Monstar talent search. Oh, and this guy dunked over a Kia. I think the folks at Moron Mountain are going to notice that.
Dirk Nowitzki - If you thought the Monstars were terrifying in the first place, just imagine them with a mid-range game and German accents. Basically, I'm going out on a limb here and assuming that the Monstar squad has learned a thing or two about basketball since their defeat 15 years ago. Free throws win championships (Just ask John Calipari). With the prettiest jump shot in the game, the NBA Finals MVP will supply the talent pool with all of the perimeter prowess a team could ask for.
Zach Randolph - Here's your Charles Barkley, only a few inches taller. The team needs to add an enforcer to the talent pool, and no one fits this role more perfectly that Z-Bo. Randolph has really shined over the last two seasons as the centerpiece of the Memphis Grizzlies lineup. With his blue collar mentality, Z-Bo asserts his physical dominance and always seems to grab double digit rebounds on his way to 20 points. He's not a sexy pick, but it was either Z-Bo or Kevin Love, and there's no way in hell you're telling me Kevin Love is sexy.
Derrick Rose - Now onto the sexy pick, Chicago's Derrick Rose. If the Monstars were impressed with Muggsy Bogues' speed in 1996, then they're going to crap their pants when D-Rose takes the court. I could lead a workshop on the talent of Derrick Rose, but I'm going to leave it as this: You can't guard his kind of speed. When you combine that with a hangtime that makes you wonder if he's playing under a different law of gravity, Rose is the most dangerous man in the NBA. The lineup is complete.
Just below the cut: Josh Smith, Kevin Durant, Dwayne Wade, Deron Williams, Carmelo Anthony
If you're wondering why LeBron wasn't posted in the list above, I've got you covered. Here's the plot.
The tunes practice night and day, working on sound fundamentals, the mid ranged game, and most importantly, free throws, until the big showdown is at hand. All seems well in Tune Town, until the starting line up is announced and Bugs discovers that LeBron has betrayed the Tune Squad, deciding to take his talents to Moron Mountain. When confronted by a distraughtly baffled Tweety Bird, James explains that he couldn't pass up the opportunity to win "not 1, not 2, not 3, not 4, not 5, not 6, not 7, but multiple championships!" From there on, the heartbroken tunes are shutout and grimly sentenced to spend the rest of their days as slaves in an interstellar carnival. I know, I know, we all hoped for a storybook ending where Lebron learned a valuable lesson and performed under pressure, thus allowing the Looney Tunes to live happily ever after, but sadly, all we're left with is a shackled Porky Pig who dejectedly stutters, "Th-Th-Th-Th-Th... That's all folks..."
And that, my friends, is my modern day reconstruction of Space Jam.
Jonah Hill plays Stan Podolak and Bill Murray stars as himself, with special guest appearances by Lisa Leslie, Lil Wayne, and Ahmad Rashad, in Space Jam 2K11.
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